Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"That's a lot of fuckin' time you wasted... it better be worth it"

The moon was big, and brighter than ever. Silence, except for the cool gentle breeze blowing. The cloudless blue-black night sky was beautifully decorated with shiny stars, just like dazzling diamonds on a black silk dress. It was peaceful, even crickets and frogs were doing nothing but quietly appreciating the beauty of the night.

His windows were open, and all the freshness along with the raw natural beauty and calming peace of the night was coming into his room.

He couldn't sleep. There was beauty in his mind, yes. And he knew that because every time he closed his eyes, he saw something of hers: Her lips, her pierced tongue, her short black hair. Yes, she was a beauty, but peace, was something she wasn't bringing Ameeyn. He turned over and closed his eyes; her pretty face, her eyes, so beautiful...

It had been two months since the guys of A1-1 split. Udy moved away with his wife, Kay-Z's business was blooming, so he moved to a greener pasture, which left Ameeyn no choice but to move too. He now lives at "Tha house at 410" with two other guys, Abba & Ustaz, each a character on his own.

"... come on Jeez I need you here. Talk to me. Tell me what to do", Ameeyn said over the phone. He was talking to Jeez, someone he considered an older version of himself, thus seeks out the answers to all life's questions from her.

"Just be yourself"

Really? That is all you have to say? Just be yourself? I'm being myself by calling you... duh!

"Please... I'm turning into a mess here", he said in a low pitiful voice.

"OK... First line of action, get busy."


"U huh?", He was listening.

"Don't appear desperate and look like you have options even if you don't"

I love it when she gets all psychological.

"Wow Jeez... You're amazing! I love you", he sounded happy.

"Hahaha... Good Luck"

It had been four days since Ameeyn's call to Jeez, and he had been very busy, or at least he believed he was. He was on his way home, when he saw her from afar, Ms. Sexy eyes-Pierced tongue, and she was looking prettier than ever. It was at that time that a switch flipped in his head, and for the first time he saw clearly that no amount of busyness was going to take his mind off her.

When he reached home, he sat down and thought thoroughly. He had an idea.
This idea is pretty good.
"Don't appear desperate and look like you have options even if you don't", he remembered Jeez's words of wisdom.
No, its perfect!

He took out his phone and dialed a number.

"Hey Sam", he said in his sweetest voice.

"Ameeyn... hmm mmm... to what do I owe this?", said a female voice on the other end.

"Just a friendly call Sam... friendly... or aren't we friends anymore?"

"We haven't talked in over a month Ameeyn, sometimes I find it hard to believe that we actually go to the same school and live less than a mile away. So you tell me... are we still friends?"

He felt bad. Sam had always been nice to him. She was sweet and caring... and she was beautiful, which was why he chose her for his master plan.

"Ofcuz sweetie... We cool! Totally. It's just school stuff... you know how it is"

She wasn't fooled, and he knew it.

"What do you want Ameeyn?"

He felt like a jerk, ditching a good friend and then running right back to her at this desperate time. Maybe he shouldn't even ask. He closed his eyes; her sexy eyes, her pierced tongue, so beautiful...

Fuck it!

"Would like you to go somewhere with me", he said in his smoothest voice.

"Like a date?"

"No... Not really... Kinda... but not exactly"

"Are you trying to hook me up with another of your guy friends?"

"Oh no... You know I was young then. I'm more open now and I respect your decision. In fact I'm surprised you're bringing this up ."

"I'm sorry... But what is it you want Ameeyn? You know you can tell me anything"

Should tell her... Should tell her not... Should tell her... Should tell her not... Tell her...

"OK... You might think I'm using you as a bait... but look at it as you doing me a really huge favor..."

"No biggie... when and where?"

"Tomorrow at noon... Starbucks"

"So who is she?"

"You'll see... and can you wear that super sexy red dress you got?"

"It's mid-day at Starbucks Ameeyn, what do you want me to look like, a fuckin' attention whore?"

"OK, just put on your sexiest mid-day-at-Starbucks-appropriate dress"

"Like I'll wear anything less..."


When Ameeyn and Sam walked into Starbucks the next day at noon, time froze, or it seemed like it, because every single soul in the coffee shop stopped dead looking at them. Mostly at Sam. She was dressed to kill, and it wont be surprising if she actually killed a couple of relationships that day.

They found a table at the corner and sat. Ameeyn was feeling the greatness in the air. Even their coffee was free.

"I thought guys only buy girls drinks in bars and clubs", he asked, after taking a sip from his cold Frappuccino.

"That depends on the girl", she said with a smile. She knew she was hot.

Roughly five minutes later she walked in, Ms. Sexy eyes-Pierced tongue, and headed for the counter. He tried to make eye contact. Failed. He waved. She saw him.

She came and sat at their table after her order. Ameeyn was happier than ever. He introduced Ms. Sexy eyes-Pierced tongue to Sam...

"... and this is my very close friend Sam"

"That guy is a PIMP!", the guys that bought the coffees thought, and then felt really stupid for buying the coffees after the sad realization.

The moment couldn't have gone any better for Ameeyn. He was enjoying every second of it.

I stalked Ms. Sexy eyes-Pierced tongue perfectly. I did my research and found out which Starbucks she goes to on Thursdays. I've found the most beautiful girl hanging out with me to make me look not desperate and like I have options. Oh I love Jeez! In fact I gotta call her.

"Excuse me ladies, I gotta go make a call"

They both smiled. It seemed everyone was having a good time.

Once outside, he dialed Jeez and told her his genius plan, how it was working, and how it was all thanks to her.

"That's a lot of fuckin' time you wasted... it better be worth it", she told him, not sharing his Enthusiasm.

He walked back in. The girls looked at him at the same time.

"You know when you said I should wear the sexiest dress I got, I thought it was one of you silly show off dates... but this?", said Sam. She was really enjoying herself.

"Yea... I told you it wont be that bad"

"That bad? Are you kidding me? This the best fucking blind date I've ever been on"

What tha fuck? Blind date?

"Blind date?"

"Yea, and how did you figure out I was gay? I'm sure I never told you?", asked Ms. Sexy eyes-Pierced tongue.

What tha fuck? Gay?


"Really Ameeyn I thought you were just a selfish prick who likes using his hot friends to get dates. I'm sorry... really... Thank you", said Sam, and she gave him a hug.


"You're welcome", he forced a smile. " Anyways ladies I gotta go now... you guys should take your time"

He walked out with mixed emotions. He felt really sad and betrayed, but also glad for doing an act of kindness, even if it wasn't intentional, like the little boy who found out Santa did not exist but still found his present neatly placed at d foot of the Christmas tree in the morning regardless.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

When Is More Not Merrier?

It's been 15 years since Ameeyn, KayZ and Udy stayed in A1 -1 and a lot has happened to them since then. For example Mubi's daughter is already in Primary six, KayZ hit the jackpot and has moved his family to Vancouver, Udy married his second wife last year, and no one has heard from Ameeyn since his PhD at MIT 10 years ago.
But a lot has happened in A1 -1 also. The "Floating candle" incident was the most recent. A chicken's head was found with a diamond ring in its mouth about five years back. And it was there that the madman attacked Labiba and Hadiza while Amina was out shopping just few years after the guys left.

A family of five now stay in A1 -1. The parents, two sons and a daughter. They are Portuguese and are on vacation. One day the daughter was left alone in the house and boredom led her into searching the house for anything interesting. A paper sticking out of the couch in the living room caught her eye, and out of curiosity, she read.


**th October, 2007.

We had a wild night yesterday, one of the nicest since the boring holidays started. I was so tired when we came back, so I retired to my room. I opened the windows for fresh air and the house directly opposite my window had all their fluorescent lights on and some really crappy music playing at extremely loud. I lay still, praying they'll somehow snap out of the trance they were put under by the douchebag hypnotist. One, Two, Three minutes passed. My prayers weren't answered. I guessed there was no hypnotist, just a bunch of silly people with no respect for their neighbors. So I stood up, put on a towel and walked to my balcony.
"Hey!", I shouted to the two girls on the opposite balcony.
They didn't answer.
"Hey There!"
One turned, looked at me and turned around.
I was like... What tha fuck?
"Hey there!"
They turned.
"Yes you!"
I was like like... Gal don't gimme attitude, am not in the mood!
"Turn that volume the fuck down!"
They couldn't believe what they heard.
"Maybe you'd say What a lot less if your crappy music wasn't so loud"
They looked at each other. The fair slutty looking one asked,
"What's your problem?"
"My problem? You are my fucking problem!"
They didn't say anything. So I continued,
"I had a long day, fucking tired and having a headache, and I came back home just to find what? Lights like a football stadium shining on me and a music so crappy it can... "
"... OK! Stop there."
They looked at one another and spoke in whatever language is it they spoke. It sounded like an argument.
"Are you girls going to argue all night or is someone gonna take care of the fucking lights."
"Dude am trying to get you your lights out here so stop being a bitch and shut that fuck up!", said the dark pretty one.
My mouth dropped open. I didn't know she could talk like that, as a matter of fact I didn't know any of them could talk like that.
"He is not getting a lights out! Who tha fuck does he think he is?", said the fair slutty one.
"Bitch am here so stop talking as if am not. I dunno what you're trying to achieve by turning all these lights and dancing on the balcony at three in the morning. Maybe you should think of putting a large sign board that says 'Boyfriend Wanted' instead"
She was silent. And after a while she said,
"Watever! You can have the bloody lights off, but the music fucking stays!"
I shake my head. Bitches! They said something behind my back that I didn't hear, but I didn't care.
As I lay down for the second time, I thought what it would be like with any more of them. I'd jump off a building or bleed myself to death I though. And with a smile on my face, I slept.

**th October, 2007
Just when I thought I had peace, I was awoken by some loud crappy music. Even crappier than last night's. I walked out the balcony to check what's up, and I saw people. Lots of them. And not just any people. The likes of those I had a fight with last night. Hundreds of them!
I took my phone and called Mubi.
"Who the fuck are these? And what are they doing playing loud music at five in the morning?"
"They are new students. A hundred and twenty of them. They just arrived last night..."
What would it be, Ixora or a razor?


She turned the page around. There wasn't more. She put her hands deeper into the couch. Nothing. She knew it was a page from someone's journal. Probably someone that lived in the house years ago. But who? She set to find out...

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Out of their minds... into their thoughts...

Long before A-1-1 turned into a girl's camp, something happened. Something BIG... Udy's wedding reception.

It was Saturday evening, and the guest were arriving at Hotel Theme Park, up at Genting Highlands. People wondered why the couple decided to take the reception up there.

"This guy is retarded" - Some people thought.

"People do crazier things for love, so give the guy a break" - Others thought.

The first to come to the venue, among the close friends was Mubi. He walked into the hall; his girl on one hand and the other waving to people as he passed. He was dressed elegantly in traditional Hausa attire, and was smiling heavily. Some people thought he might have been the groom.

"Who the hell does this guy think he is? A fuckin' Groom out-shiner???" - Some people thought.

"Wow... If Mubi is dressed like this, Udy's must be off the hook!" - Others thought.

Ameeyn came in next, with Halilu, Habiba and Sumayya. Habiba was Halilu's girl.
Halilu's dressing was colourful, and Ameeyn's was maxed.

"Hello... Did someone call a fuckin' clown?!" - Some people thought when they saw Ameeyn.

"Hey Mr. Peacock! The color extravaganza exhibition is on the other side!" - Others thought when they saw Halilu.

Habiba and Sumayya were dressed casually,

"Hey you're at a party not a fuckin' cheap-ass picnic" - A few people thought.

"Wow... they are so beautiful, like angels from heaven" - Others thought, and didn't even notice the casual clothes.

After a couple of people, Kay-Z came in with Asma'u. They dressed to match, so much so that those people who thought Mubi was the groom, now think Kay-Z and Asma'u were infact the married couple.


Udy and the bride walked in and the crowd went crazy.

"Damn Udy is fuckin' lucky... look at that babe!" - A guy near the entrance thought.

"It's the Bitcht's wedding and she's lookin' dis fucked... I wont wanna imagine her on a normal day" - A girl standing near Mubi thought.

"Wow, never thought I'd see this day come" - Ameeyn thought.

"Asshole..." - The guy who drove Zubaida thought.

A little while later, Yakubu arrived. He was Sumayya's boyfriend, or something kinda like that. He had a little off-time with Sumayya, so it took a lot of persuasion from Ameeyn to have him come.
As he stepped in,

"Oh... not him!" - Sumayya thinking.

"Wow this guy is so fuckin' cute" - A girl standing next to Asma'u thought.

After the meal and various toasts from Ameeyn, Kay-Z, Mubi and the bride's people, the dance began. And the couple opened the floor.

"What in the name of God are these guys doing"

"Owww... Don't they look so cute together"

"Get a room guys!"

Yakubu approached Sumayya for a dance. He wasn't really into dancing, but wanted to give onlookers and haters the illusion that everything was cool with him and Sumayyah.

"What tha fuck does this guy thinks he's doing?" - Summaya thought.

"Wow... this guy must really have some balls" - Habiba thought as she danced with Halilu.

"Hey Sumayya care for a dance", Yakubu asked, smiling.

"Hell No! Are you fucking retarded?!!!" - Sumayya's thought.

"No thanks.", she said, trying hard to return the smile.

He turned and walked away.

"Thats my girl!" - Habiba thought.

On his way out, the girl standing near Asma'u asked him for a dance.

"Hmm... What tha heck..." - Yakubu thought.

"Yeah sure", he said as he took her hand.

"Oh! This guy is so easy... I could fuck him and dump him" - She thought.

"Hope as hell Sumayya sees us... wanna make her feel my pain" - Yakubu thought.

"Look at this bitch jumpin' from one guy to another. Does she even know what she fucking wants" - Another girl thought when she saw the girl dancing with Yakubu.

Sumayya saw them.

"OMG! He just didn't do that! What else does he do behind my back?" - Sumayya thought.

She walked out of the ball room and headed for the reception.

"Great! Now how do I get rid of this girl? Wanna go get my girl" - Yakubu thought when he saw Sumayya walk out.

"Ewww... He's such a bad dancer. But since he aign't leaving, he must be thinking he'd get lucky..." - The girl dancing with Yakubu thought.

She smiled.

"...maybe... It's always good to have plan B" - She thought.

"What's she smiling for? OMG! Hope she doesn't like me already, cuz am so not interested!" - Yakubu thought.

Meanwhile, out in the reception, Ameeyn saw Sumayya.

"Oh! Not again! I gotta tighten the social screws on this girl's brains" - He thought.

He walked up to her and asked, "What you doing out here all alone?"

"Oh! Not this guy! Not again! Is he stalking me or something?" - She thought.

"Waiting for Habiba. She's coming out now, we gonna go to the rest room", she said.

"Bitch Please!!! Don't gimme that Bullshit! I know seeing Yakubu having fun makes you uncomfortable. I think I gotta fix you two myself... Ur little games make me sick!" - Ameeyn though.

"Why don't we go back in, and then when she's done, you two can come out together. You're sending the wrong message sitting here all alone", He said smiling and offering his hand.

"Oh see that poor girl trying to get picked up by that clown... He's such a looser!" - The attendant at the reception thought.

They walked back in, Ameeyn holding Sumayya's hand.

"What tha Fuck?!!! So she didn't dance with me cuz she was going somewhere with him?" - Yakubu thought.

"Motherfucker!!! Anyways am not surprised, this won't be the first time he took his friend's girl" - Habibu thought.

"... I mean all this while I thought he was on ma side... Ashe the cocksucker wanted my girl" - Yabubu though.

"Shege Ameeyn!" - Kay-Z thought.

"...I mean... Only God knows what they did out there" - Yakubu still thinking.


"oMG! This guy is fuckin' nuts!" - You are now thinking...